Are Dogs Secretly Witches?

Dear Forum,

I've been seeing a lot of dogs recently, which isn't so weird because it's starting to get warm out. A lot of them have been whispering to each other, though. Benign things mostly, names and dates of historical events. They seem to be very interested in eastern European history in general. Then one walked up to me the other day and gave me a seemingly decent recipe for Chicken Tiki Masala. It was very delicious but I'm afraid the leftovers turned into a shrieking bat over night. I probably won't try it again unless I have a lot of people over and we can eat it all in one sitting.

Anyhow, Google has proven highly unhelpful. I'm just wondering what the likelihood is that I'm going through some kind of Dr. Dolittle type deal or if a coven of witches has recently settled into the area. If they are witches, should I be worried or should I just ignore them and not take anymore cooking advice from them?

Your Pal,
DoubleL

Dear DoubleL,

dealing with dogs that may or may not be witches can be a harrowing experience. Luckily, I myself have not been through what you are currently experiencing, but I have ran into similar situations with cats.

The ginger cat who always greets me with a polite „good day to you, good sir” when I park my bicycle whenever I return from my university, for example, has left a recipe for a delectable anchovy dish strapped to my bike. Cats wearing Top Hats have also been randomly appearing at my campus, while the dogs seem to have all but vanished.

I fear that the dogs are mounting a counteroffensive to combat the growing boldness of cats all over the world. Or the other way around, I’m not certain as of yet. Regardless of how this matter came into being however, fact is that both dogs and cats have been mortal enemies for as long as humanity can remember. Their latest escapades, namely trying to recruit humans for their cause through sharing recipes of the cat and dog cuisine respectively, are probably the result of their century-spanning arms race reaching unprecedented levels.

History has taught us that Ancient Egypt was in fact ruled by cats, while the empire built around Teotihuacan was dominated by dogs. No longer kept apart by the safety of the Atlantic Ocean between them, their respective races have been forced to regroup and come up with new, innovative means of combat.

I fear the bat you encountered, the one who seemingly sprang forth from your Chicken Tiki Masala, might have been an attempt of the cats to sabotage the effort of the dogs to recruit you. If this transformation is indeed caused by the foul arts of witchcraft, regardless of whether it was performed by dogs or cats, I fear we might have burnt thousands of innocent humans at the stakes during the times of the great witch hunts. If the cats and dogs are the true masterminds behind this senseless massacre, we must not rule out the possibility that the seemingly endless war between their respective races is nought but a ruse, employed to divert our attention while they seek to exterminate the human race. You might want to have your bowels emptied as a precaution.

I shall barricade my doors and windows tonight, and I suggest you do the same. May we meet again in a brighter tomorrow.

Your friend,
Slivius

We're all in this lunch line called life together, with some givin' out the food and others gettin' their fills. At times, we all find ourselves suddenly stopping to gaze upon that precarious-looking mystery meat set so oddly before us. Some question why the hell a school board would OK such a thing, whilst the ones for whom it's intended guess endlessly as to why it's the color pink. Many questions permeate the gauche atmosphere all around leaving us hungry for answers.

Regardless, based on my own recent experience with animals and the ones I've read here thus far, there is something that needs to be said! So, just as Chef would always say....

It all started a week ago, I had been drifting on the edges of the dream world when I heard tapping followed by loud scratching sounds. Like an aggravated trucker trying to free himself from his passenger's terrible singing, I tried to ignore the abhorrent noises playing out nearby. But alas, sleep was no longer a viable option. Upon sitting up, I look over to my window to find my cat staring out at a lone bluebird who was pecking the glass in the most furious of fashions! Tried as I may, no answers would formulate in response to the cacophony going on. After several hours of bearing witness to this spectacle, I started picking up on certain patterns between my cat's chirping and the rate at which the bird would peck! Like a hipster surrounded by cliques in a mall food court, I started jotting mental notes on the trends between the two.

As the days went on, things became more and more apparent! After the fourth day, I knew I had the answer to what was going on; they were conversating! I noticed that conversations between them both would last roughly 32 and half minutes before the bluebird would fly off for a few hours only to return later. By further studying their body language and vocal responses, I was able to pick up the language they were relying on! Luckily, one day my cat was deep in slumber when the bluebird made a visit to my window. I took it upon myself to take the place of my feline friend and communicate with the avian mastermind. I was fortunate enough that the bluebird was willing to partake some of its wisdom onto me and tell me of things I never could've imagined....

It whispered to me of a secret cult of witches who (in the tongue of the Loud Weird Ones) went by the name of Canis Lamia! The bluebird told me it was an emissary of the cult who went from cat to cat, dog to dog, with 'orders' on how to deal with the Loud Weird Ones. In hushed tones, he regaled me with the genesis of the cult as well! Apparently, a farm of pigs located in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (a real place btw) in Wales grew fed up with the treatment the humans gave them, day in and day out. Through a weird network not even the bluebird was familiar with, the pigs got in contact with a pack of freighthopping dogs in western Minnesota who were renowned in the animal world for being highly disgruntled toward society, and pleaded to them for help. After the bartering of many sunglasses, (the dogs had a thing for magenta sunglasses) the pigs were finally able to get the dogs to help them out! The dogs, firm in their beliefs that the Loud Weird Ones were in need of some reforming, made their way across the ocean and dealt a swift but much needed blow to the farmers on the farm. From what I was told, the dogs relied on the tried and true method of tap dancing to russian choir music to get the point across and by the end both parties were left satisfied. The pack of dogs had their magenta sunglasses to wear as they please, and the pigs had free reign of the now abandoned farm. Word eventually got around that the pack of dogs had done a very efficient job at what they were hired to do and from there the dogs made an official cult and their beliefs spread all over the world. And the rest was history...

The bluebird told me that within a century, Canis Lamia had become renowned for employing any and all manners to get a request done. Yes, that includes weird ones like DoubleL has experienced! Having said all it felt like divulging, the bluebird told me quite bluntly that if I spoke about this to ANYONE that my life would become a living hell and he flew off. Fortunately for us, Canis Lamia has no way of properly addressing things on the internet! I felt it was necessary that I get word across to you in regards to the weird happenings occurring in your life and hopefully this helps you!

I can't believe they told you to put that ingredient in...Honest to goodness, they can't mean well, putting in the right ingredient makes the tikka turn into a much easier to handle very tiny warthog that just kind of mildly likes you.