It's time I left, and I'm sorry

I need to cut myself off from here until I can be a better person. If I remain, instead of contributing positively to our small community, all I will do is overburden the friendships I have made here and destroy them. There have always been times where I've felt guilty about the constant shit I've been posting in PNF, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't often at the back of my mind even as I made those posts. The few times I've given this concern a voice and apologized for my behavior, people didn't seem to mind, or even encouraged it to continue, be it intentionally or unintentionally.

Now I have clear evidence that people do, in fact, mind - and directly from two people I consider to be friends. That right there, is when it's time to stop. Well past it, really.

If there's even anything positive I add to this forum, I honestly don't even see it. I have no sense of humor, I get upset easily, and I hardly post anything outside of PNF - there's a massive lack of contributing anything worthwhile in that sense - and when I do post to PNF it's usually just to whine about life.

I can't keep doing what I'm doing. I respect you guys more than that.

So it's high time I left you guys alone. No forum contact, no Skype contact, no Steam contact, etc. I don't know if or when I'll be back. It's certainly not now - not when all I can do is b**** about my life on an internet forum while I don't make any meaningful progress toward changing my situation. Maybe I'll return after I've moved into an apartment and can connect to the forum with my own internet. Maybe then I'll have something worth talking about.

I'm really sorry you guys had to put up with my shit for so long. Whenever I come back, hopefully I can be somebody worth talking to.

See you then.

- Tenshigami

I doubt you'll see this response anytime soon but whatever. I have things on my mind and things I want to say.

Tenshigami wrote:

I need to cut myself off from here until I can be a better person. If I remain, instead of contributing positively to our small community, all I will do is overburden the friendships I have made here and destroy them.

What in the world would secluding yourself away from it all really accomplish? In such a heightened state of emotion, in a mindset feeding off of nothing but negative thoughts and assumptions, just what good could come from that? All I see is a recipe for disaster.

Tenshigami wrote:

There have always been times where I've felt guilty about the constant shit I've been posting in PNF, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't often at the back of my mind even as I made those posts. The few times I've given this concern a voice and apologized for my behavior, people didn't seem to mind, or even encouraged it to continue, be it intentionally or unintentionally.

You're damn right we encouraged you to vent your problems and I for one sure as hell had no problem with that. Without the efficaciousness of cathartic release we're left with nothing and here you want to throw that away? What?

Do you not see the folly there?

Tenshigami wrote:

Now I have clear evidence that people do, in fact, mind - and directly from two people I consider to be friends. That right there, is when it's time to stop. Well past it, really.

You couldn't be further from the truth. You're letting innocuous sentiments from one person and the agreement of said sentiments from another be distorted into some ridiculous extreme assumption. Don't do that to yourself.

Tenshigami wrote:

I can't keep doing what I'm doing. I respect you guys more than that.

You need to start respecting yourself more than anything.

Tenshigami wrote:

Maybe I'll return after I've moved into an apartment and can connect to the forum with my own internet. Maybe then I'll have something worth talking about.

Cutting yourself off from everything and choosing to be alone rather than talk to people will not break the rut you're in. You know that, I know that and the world knows that.

More than that though, think about what this decision will do to those that care about you. The fact of the matter is Tenshi, there are people offline and online that care about your welfare. I along with them know that there's more than just a little worth to you, there's a lot. I know that can be hard to realize at times but goddamn is it ever the truth. I, too, struggle to remember that at times but it's true! Life is not a path to be tread entirely alone.

I'm learning to accept myself because I've got friends, because of backup. More than anything though, because - as Sliv said - I've got my own back.

Tenshigami wrote:

I'm really sorry you guys had to put up with my shit for so long. Whenever I come back, hopefully I can be somebody worth talking to.

I know you prolly won't read this anytime soon as I said before, but I had to say something as I care.

Take care! If you ever feel like talking, feel free to poke me on skype!

What don't leave?

I apologize for not knowing what's going on. I really do. Just know that I will be praying for you.

Ok, I apologize for all of that. I fully admit I'm like, the king of overreacting/being overly dramatic about stuff. Ultimately, my departure was in reaction to Sliv saying not to swamp the wrong people with my problems - after re-reading his post I realize he didn't exactly mean it the way I took it - my mind just focused straight on that statement and took it way out of its original context. Sui, your response in this thread suggests exactly that. But I had already felt that I shouldn't be constantly dumping things on you guys, and it had been weighing on my mind every time I vented in PNF in the first place. Considering the way I reacted to his post, I can also answer a couple of the questions provided by Sliv: No, I wasn't adhering to my own expectations, and no, I could not accept that. There is a difference between venting and drowning people in your problems. I felt I was doing that latter. So if I couldn't be happy with what I was doing, then something needed to change.

I maybe went a bit overboard, cutting myself away from most avenues of online communication and maintaining complete silence with about 90% of my friends, both on and off of this forum. But I did what I needed to do - I brute-forced a "time out" on myself to think about what I had been doing, and resist the impulse to b**** about things constantly in PNF until that habit was broken. I went as far as I did in this because I did not want to simply start bugging people directly over Skype or Steam or whatever. It had to stop. Period.

After letting myself think for a while, I felt that today would be appropriate for my return. With the beginning of the new year, I want to start fresh, and put all that stuff behind me. I want to be a positive part of our small community. Someone who can add value to it, and build people up rather than letting depression constantly get the best of me and posting stupid shit that I feel will eventually just drive people away. I will be depressed at times for some pretty stupid reasons - that seems to just be part of my nature right now - but that's no excuse to constantly post in PNF about it and drag people down with me.

There may be times when events in my life do get kind of serious and I will have a not-so-stupid reason to be depressed - posting about such things is excusable, within reason. Letting you guys know what's going on? That's OK. Repeatedly being all "woe is me" about it? NOT OK. If I'm going to bring an issue back up I had better have something new to add.

As for one of the more serious things that's been going on, some of you may be curious about how things have been going after my mother's cataract surgery. I wanted to give a more positive update on this. Not that long ago, I would have. But just a few days ago, I found out that just before the surgery, the worst happened - her other eye blew out. I'm beginning to wonder if my folks are intentionally keeping things from me, because for nearly an entire MONTH I was kept in the dark about this, and the whole time I thought she might be on the road to recovery, instead it's really been anything but. Needless to say, but I'm massively depressed about this right now, and I'm tired of life throwing one thing after another at me and my family. This is the kind of shit that makes me not want to feel anymore. But things aren't nearly as shitty and at least a little more hopeful in other areas I can update you guys on, so lets move on...

As for the whole apartment issue, I still haven't moved out yet. I'll definitely let you guys know when that happens though, as finally putting the whole "31-year-old shut-in still living with his parents" thing behind me will certainly fall under "mega-positive". As of right now, however, the lowest prices for rent listed at the complex I want to move into are uncomfortably high, and a single bedroom apartment is also the same price as a two bedroom, which doesn't make any bloody sense. I'm gonna take my chances and wait to see if the rent prices go back down. Until I get my license, this apartment complex is pretty much my only option.

Yup, as the above sentence suggests, I also haven't gotten my driver's license yet. Progress behind the wheel seems to have stalled for the moment and I'm trying to figure out how I can jump-start that again. My brother can only spare so much of his time and I can't seem to bring myself to ask my dad because just being around him is unpleasant for me. To be honest though the latter issue may be more a problem with me than with my dad.

Now that I've given an update on these things, from this point on, if I start bitching and whining about either of the above three topics in PNF, especially if I have NOTHING NEW to say about them, then every last one of you here has the right to digitally punch me in the face. I don't know what being digitally punched in the face feels like, but I imagine it would hurt. A lot. Probably.

Alright, one last thing. I just want to say it again: I'm sorry. Seriously. I don't want to drown you guys with my problems anymore, because I respect all of you, and you deserve better than that. You guys are awesome!

Me on the other hand? Not so awesome. Well, not yet anyway. f*** you, Tenshi of last year! You cut that shit out!

Hello, Tenshi of the New Year! May the next twelve months be filled with promise! Now let's get this year started on the right foot, shall we?

First thing, Im glad you are back.

Second, Hope you get better with all your problems without losing your temperament.

Last. Welcome Back :3