I feel like I'm really lacking passion about anything in my life. I can get temporarily excited about things and enjoy them for a couple weeks, but then the novelty fades off and I'm back to the state of hollow enjoyment. I used to have a hobby I really enjoyed; I was obsessed with it from the start of middle school through about a year after graduating college. I was really good at it too, I placed well in events and people would often seek out or recommend me when looking for tips to improve. But sadly this hobby is no longer available in the form that I loved. I suppose the easiest analogy to use would be an online game; think of it as the company went of out business and the game shut down, or a new patch/sequel changed everything you knew and made your skills and knowledge obsolete, or it just fell out of popularity and nobody played it anymore. Suffice to say my passion in life was gone...and 3 years later I still haven't found anything to replace it. I tried to fill the void with my other hobbies, but none of them held the same level of enjoyment and recurring interest, not to mention I was below average at anything competitive. I tried new hobbies that were similar to my old and current interest, but they fell into the same problem of not being exciting for long or reaching a low skill ceiling that I could never seem to overcome. I no longer had my old community that knew and cared about and respected me, instead I was always just another random who showed a lack of promise. It hurt. It hurt a lot. My brother excels at his hobby, and my sister had many close friends to support her in hers. I suddenly found myself alone, skill-less, and miserable. My mother thinks it wasn't the hobby itself I craved so much as the attention and status I got from it, and that thought hits much closer to home than I like to admit. The higher you climb on the ladder, the longer the fall. When I'm forced to accept that I might never be that good at anything again...it seems pointless to even bother trying. I know I need to find something fulfilling I can enjoy regardless of how my performance is prepared to others...but that's a lot harder than it sounds. I'm competitive by nature, nothing feels as nice as the praise you get from successfully and repeatedly outmaneuvering your opponent in front of an audience and receiving something to show for it. Non competitive things like anime or single player games or good food can hold my enjoyment while I'm directly involved with them...but the second I stop it wears off completely. There's no constantly thinking up new plans in your head, always hunting for new events to show off your talent, no having a different experience each time you return to revisit it. I miss that. I'm not really sure how to fix the lack of fulfillment and enjoyment I have anymore; it just seems like I'm stuck running in place.
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Sat Oct 14, 2017 3:48 am
