Positives, negatives and everything in between fickraken

Pos: Found a place to sublet for the summer with 2 weeks to spare \o/
Pos: Drunken anime roulette is the best thing
Pos: This cover of Parasyte's OP is ruling my life rn
Fick: recently found out that a friend I have a crush on is bi which actually means I have a chance with him but I don't know how to deal with this :/

Negative: So very tired from work
Negative: My face is sunburned.

Neg: Finally had a small meltdown while talking with a friend on Skype yesterday. It wasn't even about my uncle, but all the worries about where I am in life that I usually just brush aside now.

Guess all the stress let those worries return and blindside me while my shields were down.

Tenshi of yesterday, I am really disappointed in you. Life isn't as empty as you said it felt, or you wouldn't cling to it so desperately.

Neg: It seems I have somehow misplaced the ability to relax. Whenever I do something that is not related to my university I feel guilty because I really should be working on stuff.

I'm going mad.

My colleagues and I are overworking myself (each other?). I can't keep up with them. Not sure how they're coping with all of this.

I'm so ........ tired I just want to sit in a corner and cry for hours.

And then spend a month in the woods away from everything.

EVERYTHING.

I can't take this grueling schedule anymore T__T
I'm so glad it will be gone next week. Replaced by a slightly less grueling schedule.

I need a break. A long break.

An actual break.

I feel like I haven't had a proper weekend in forever.

Chronic fatigue is not something to be taken lightly. I feel like even my medication has deserted me...

Neg: Been feeling like complete shit since Friday afternoon along with being easily agitated. Had to bail early on some Earth Day thing in town because I just couldn't do it. Picked up on the people we met up with being disappointed in me for that, but what the hell am I supposed to do about that? Would they rather have me tagging along being quiet (like I had been the whole time) and on the verge at snapping at any moment?

Also, screw off hayfever. Sneezing fifty damn times every minute doesn't help either.

Fick: Is it bad that I wanted to drive my nitro R/C car for Earth Day? Didn't due to laziness lol...
Neg: Somehow I chipped the paint on a brand new diecast model car I just got. That kinda ruined my day the other day....

Pos: Since the lady I work under is gone fer two weeks I was given a huge ass box containing a family collection. I saw a letter from 1828 and there's likely to be even more.

Neg: While it's cool seeing a letter that's nearly 200 years old they're also incredibly hard to read most of the time due to the penmanship fading and people's cursive being small as heck.

Neg: If there's one thing that drives me insane when archiving its finding shit with no date. Omg the amount of judgement calls on photos is going to suck. >.>

^Woah, 1828? I'd probably find the task itself to be rather boring after a while but dealing with stuff that old sounds fascinating.

Not to mention probably more fun than working a software testing job where you practically get yelled at for doing your job, because delivering bad news ("Shit's broke, yo!") is basically what I do for a living.

^ Yeah it can get tedious at times especially when I hafta comb through each paper individually for dates but it's so epic reading through such old stuff.

Like one time I was going through old news articles on an old local military school that eventually became a veterans nursing home. Well the articles I was reading was at a point in time when they were still deciding if said school became either a retirement home or nursing home. I myself didn't at the time know the outcome of it till I asked my father later about it. It felt like I was a reader along for the ride as the story unfolded before me. Real cool.

Fick:

 

*flips table*

I don't get it.

Do I see a giant blank space where a date might have been?

Tenshigami wrote:

Do I see a giant blank space where a date might have been?

*nods*

Sorry exams got to me, but I want to thank you guys (Slivvie, Tenshi, and Suki) for your kind messages <3 (and I'm so sorry Tenshi, I've been sending many positive thoughts your way, I'm not sure what else to say other than to hang in there)

Slivendiferious wrote:

I think that, above all else, your parents want what's best for you; and deeply care for you.
I think they're just worried about both your physical and mental health and a little sad that there's a realistic chance they won't be having any grandchildren through you

It's a little bit of that, my mom has talked about how she doesn't want me getting hurt or how people treat people like me badly, I just keep trying to iterate its not a choice and that either way I can't live my life based around other people, they don't get to control me with their behaviour or opinion. Unfortunately that seems to be her main problem. She keeps talking about "How could I do this to her", mentioned ruining her entire life and that I never think about her feelings, also said some vindictive things I'll leave out. I know its all coming from a place of fear and I know she loves me, so like I said I've been trying my very best to emphasize my love and say I'll try my best to help her come to terms with it and understand she needs time. She is very concerned about our extended family finding out, all this stuff about living in shame and etc. all that usual old fashioned stuff, point being, she's very concerned about what other people think and she puts it above my mental health, and its just how she is. I've pointed it out to her but she reacted heatedly, she knows, she just doesn't think she's strong enough to deal with it. She apparently thinks its very important, says because I'm queer she's scared I'm going to murder someone because I'm not operating under the fear of shame and rejection. I know that's just her reasoning, and in that case she really is looking out for me even if what she's saying goes against what she taught us. I know deep down she's there for me, just not in the realistic ways in this one circumstance, she is very against this part of me, and her fear is driving her to override her better knowledge. (She keeps looking up news reports of bad things that happen to gay people)

Its unfortunately not a topic that was a one-time deal, as you'd expect I guess, she brings it up every so often to try to "change my mind" and when I try to greet with compassion and patience and tell her that she'll always have a place in my life and I'm not abandoning her she tell me to stop trying to change how she thinks. Exams has given me a reprieve though, space always does me good, I'm ready to take whatever she can throw at me this summer, though hopefully I get a job so I'm not stuck with her for two months with no breaks.

Slivendiferious wrote:

About your crush shiv, if it was not meant to be, don't be afraid to let it go. You're young, and I'm certain that as long as you stay true to who you are, you'll meet someone who's even more amazing.

Thank you! I've been taking a lot of time to move on and I crashed for a little bit last week when the feelings hit a ceiling, or I guess, rather, a f floor, and then after some thinking and some crying I really came to terms with it, I suddenly just was okay with the fact that its not going to work that's just how things are. I was thinking when we first stopped talking I wouldn't be able to continue being friends, but now I feel like we can be great friends. My feelings for him haven't changed, they may someday formally become just friendly, but I'm not going to expect any kind of reciprocation. I know that when caring is placed in your heart its an opportunity to benefit yourself and the person. I care about him and friendship is not a lesser relationship, it is a different relationship, and I'm happy with that because I know he doesn't want anything else and because I know I still care about him and genuinely have fun being with him. If there are any negative things that arise for me because I still associate with him, I'll take the steps necessary for my own health, but I don't expect any.

In my crash I tried Tindr....it wasn't a fruitful experience, I deleted after realizing 1.What a terrible environment, 2.I don't need to jump RIGHT back up on that horse and I don't think I'm quite ready yet, and 3.Most great meetings are the ones that happen when you aren't looking too far into the future, again, the environment just makes it so bleh (also this one person started talking to me then unmatched me YOU WEREN'T THAT INTERESTING EITHER OKAY)

Jeez Louise I right a lot I am sorry, this is how I text too, I just have many words.


I really enjoyed your FMA quote Tenshi, I loved it <3

Neg: Stats went sooooo bad, I'm probably going to have to retake it I just hope it doesn't drop my average into a danger zone :s Really a lot is riding on this semester, and a lot will be riding on every semester after this, but I feel like if I can just make it through I'll be fine from here on out

Pos: Got a job interview!!! Hoping that goes well >_<


@Zace: If you have a good rapport with this friend, I say just go right for it, tell them your feelings, see how it goes, if you don't have a good amount of conversation with them, play it by ear but my advice is still to go for it, unless there is a serious chance that you think it would make them distance themselves. I don't know what the factors are really, but I hope for the best for you!

^ Shiv, yer wise beyond yer years. I mean that. You're going to make someone very happy one day! Oh and the greatest of things happen when yeh least expect it.





Neg: I haven't even stepped outside yet and I'm already sneezing from allergies. Jesus, Joseph and Mary on a pogo stick, someone save me! D:

@Shiv I dunno maybe I'm reading the situation wrong, but it sounds to me like your mother's at least on the fence? I think given time she'll come around.

Also, I agree that you shouldn't be afraid to remain friends with with that friend. You seem to kind of get the idea already, but trust me, even just regular friendships can be a truly awesome thing.

My best friend and I often say that we're like brothers, and we're totally not joking when we say it.

Suikiwiden wrote:

Jesus, Joseph and Mary on a pogo stick, someone save me! D:

Sure thing! Just give me a minute while I go out and buy some Claritin, a plane ticket, and a pogo stick.

^ Awesomeeee

TIL: That the total costs of regular expenditures pre-Civil War went up greatly post-Civil War. Sounds like a no brainer I know but wow tobacco in particular was in huge demand. Before 1865 it seemed the average that (the farmer I reading about) netted around a total of $200 per how ever much of tobacco he sold which climbed up to $250 just by the 1880s. Considering how screwed up our economy was at that point it's pretty surprising.

Done with second semester of college already!

Straight A's COULD happen but I'd be surprised if I did it in marketing. I'm also not certain about stats. I'm 99.9% confident I'll get A's in my other 3 classes, tough.

Pos: A whole lot of stuff almost exploded into a veritable ****storm friday evening.
ALMOST.

I'm glad everything is over now.

I finally, finally have time to relax again. And allow myself to relax mentally.

Now to work on my pm backlog...
Apologies to those I haven't sent replies yet, will get to that soon!

Pos:
You guys are great people.

Shiv:
You are very wise for your age shiv. I've read your post a while ago, and I apologize for not replying sooner.
Your mother comes off as a bit awkward to me, loving mother on one side, but more concerned with how people will look at her and her family than your wellbeing on the other side.
I have no idea what country you're from, nor how people generally react to people that are "queer" over there. Something tells me that I don't want to know, but it might have been much worse when your mother was still a child. I do think she is willing to shield you though! She is trying to protect you and the rest of her family to the best of her ability (the only way she knows how to). At least that's the impression I get. This isn't about her though, this is about you.

And I have no idea how much protection you'll need.

I trust in your judgment and I think you are doing the right thing shiv!
She's bound to come around to your way of thinking.
To quote some people in Tales of Graces: Never give up!

edit:

Tenshi:
You mean to say... you don't own a pogo stick? D:

Mega POS: Exempt from my History final. Other than a few tests, this semester is more or less done.

Pos: Dad complimented my sculptures today, which made me happy. He never really seemed to care about my art, and always seems to think it's childish and stuff. So, yay.

Fick: I made chocolate muffins again.

Neg: So due to the rising tensions in Baltimore over the death of Freddie Gray my state is under an state of emergency. Our Governor had to deploy the national guard to Baltimore after gangs made threats and a bunch of riots with looting broke out. I hope this doesn't turn into Ferguson 2.0 but it's starting to look like it. All of this is getting too close to home, literally.

This whole controversy of police conduct in America is getting out of control. I'll admit an disturbing amount of cops have been doing screwed up stuff lately, but this racial profiling media circus needs to GTFO. A person is a person, regardless of freaking skin color.

Edit: People like this are NOT there for a noble cause. They're cutting fire hoses to screw with firefighters as they deal with buildings on fire.

https://i.imgur.com/k9Be97a.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/pqqHkye.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/DxnOChT.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/TkxzqCH.jpg

^Jesus Christ I hadn't put two and two together and realized that this was all in your state. Stay safe, Sui.


Pos: Sister is visiting.

Neg: Being around my brother and his wife, and my sister and her husband and kids all at once should be happy times, and it is, but in a way it's just been soul crushing too. I can't help but compare myself to my two successful siblings and get disgusted with myself.

You and your kiwis better stay safe, that shit is insane.

As of now: 200+ arrested, 149 car fires and 19 building fires. Since last night the national guard is calling in an additional 1000 troops putting their numbers to roughly 2000 and NJ is sending in cops as well.



It was so infuriating watching the livestream of these guys last night and seeing all this going on.

Neg: I haven't talked to like 90% of my friends in several months. One of them did reach out over facebook a few months ago when she saw me lurking but the conversation lasted like 6 to 8 messages total.

I'm worried I'm going to let my friendships die from neglect but I just don't know how to even start a conversation with them anymore.